Certain feelings and thoughts can never be expressed in words. Sometimes, all we need is silence and someone to stay and understand us. Seeing your whole world failing in front of your eyes and knowing that there is nothing much you can do is the worst feeling ever. And it hurts even more when you actually see true colors of people whom you thought were the ones who are best at heart for you. Most of the circumstances are never meant to be escaped. All we need is to hold on for little longer and to let everything pass, knowing that at the end everything will work out well.
Today wasn’t a good day at all. I have been having uneasiness in my chest since morning. Recently, my dad has been gifting me. He gave me a perfume, a speaker, and a key tag. I know he is my dad and it’s normal to give gifts to daughters. But deep inside I had a feeling that he’s feeling lonely. He used to give random gifts to my mom alot while they were together. So i actually felt that he was missing mom. Lately I have been busy and got to spent few times dad. Since today was his non-working day, we (me and my sister) took him out. We did some shopping and later on went to a coffee shop. It was so much fun. I actually missed my mom. I get this feeling Everytime when my mom is missing in our selfies. We used to have such a good life. I didn’t let it bother me so much, because there is no going back and focusing on what I have is much more important. When I came back, I received a call from my uncle saying that he’s on the way to home. He is going through a hard time actually. I made him and dad dinner and stayed inside my room. My uncle is my second dad. I love him so much. I tried several times to start a conversation with him. But he was ignoring, and giving me hints that it’s not a topic he want to disclose. I do understand. But somehow, I knew he was dying inside. So I sat next to him again. He was in a video call with his kid, who is currently staying with my aunts. And asking about everyone, she finally asked where is her mom. My uncle don’t have words. He didn’t know how to respond. So I took the phone and showed her, her soft toys and her specific chair. After talking I handed over the phone to uncle. And then he spoke. He was here to attend to court. His wife ran away 3 months ago and applied for divorce. And this was the third time she applied. And this time, she actually agreed to give custody of their daughter to uncle. Divorces sucks. I hated seen my dad’s condition when my parents divorced. And now it’s my uncle. I know men doesn’t share like the way women do. But their silence does. That silence is heart breaking. I hate seen the most important men’s in my life that way. My uncle means the world to me. I don’t know, why on the earth am I such an observant. I really wish I am not, because the anxiety I have to deal isn’t easy and it’s messy. I guess divorces are not something I will ever get familiar with. It always makes me stuck. No matter what the explanation is.
I’m someone who can read people easily. Whenever I see someone from streets, coffeeshops or from work, I wonder what it feels like to be in a selected person skin. I wonder about the things that makes that person happy or sad. And mostly about sadness. Because deep inside I know how it feels like to be broken. Emotional drain isn’t something very healthy. I, myself have been in the darkness. So apart of me don’t want other people to go through depression or any mental break down. Because, I have felt it and I know how it feels like to explain the whole journey to someone else. Comparing the past 10 years with the current moment, I still can’t believe the person I ‘ve become. Back then, i was someone who doesn’t smile even.Whenever I go somewhere, I always compare my self with other people. I was not at all comfortable in my own skin. Self-confidence and acceptance was not in my dictionary. It’s something I learnt the hard way. I read books, listened to motivational videos and worked over and over again to transform myself. And after one hell of a journey, today I am here actually helping my friends and family who are dealing with such issues. I truly believe that life is really short and it’s the simplest things we do for people which makes a huge difference in their life.
I don’t know exactly how to phrase what I am feeling right now. I lost a match, and I am feeling really bad. I think I am never going to get use to the fact of losing. I know it’s a game, i either win or lose. I don’t want to back-off too. My mind is wandering when I am playing. I get nervous and I don’t know how to deal with my self. This is insane and crazy. It has been more than five years I have been taking part in tournaments. I am sort of satisfied knowing that this time I didn’t practice that much and it’s okay. I have to face the reality. Sometimes, I just wish the battle between my mind and heart is easy. But the truth is, the struggle is real and it’s never easy. Sometimes, adjusting my self is all i have to do. Today is not a usual day. I learned it the hard way. I have high expectations, in each and every aspect of my life. Whether it’s studies, work, games, or relationships. I need to work on my self. I can’t count on people always and I know that. I need to take control of myself and learn to lower my expectations. This is going to be hard, at this stage of my life. But still, I am going to try. Because all I know is, there is none who can improve my self other than me. I am going to start working on my self again. Because deep inside I am not feeling okay and I know there aren’t people by my side this time. I have to fight this alone and I can do this no matter how hard it seems right now. All I need is a little faith. Life is never fair, we just learn how to move on and all we need is hope.
Sometimes all we need is to build up the confidence within overselves. We keep doubting our innerstrength when it comes to certain circumstances. All we have to do is get up and have a little faith that things will workout accordingly. Nothing is fair in life. Being confident and moving forward is the best thing to do.